What more blissful experience does life offer than snuggling in bed with your warm and slumberous children? Heaven. Unless you intend to sleep, that is. They are programmed never to let that happen. They will spin. They will kick. And they will fail to give a shit where the head-end is. Our baby’s teething the hard way this week. She’s all dribble and tears and … Continue reading Our kids are trying to break us with sleep torture
Babies are so Me Me Me. Our tiny human is only three weeks old and she’s already lording it like an East African dictator over the once-democratic Republic of Home. I accidentally told the health visitor on Thursday that I’d forgotten how much a newborn can ruin your life. I was hoping to say ‘rule your life’ obviously but my mouth had other ideas. I … Continue reading The twelve essential things you didn’t know but I did about life with a newborn
Hands up if you don’t hate men! Me neither. I really don’t hate them. I love them in fact. I like it that they take the piss, they’re hard to offend and they don’t do fake niceness. I slightly envy their friendships, camaraderie and ability to tell it to you straight. And I’ve never felt that blokes have it easy, that life gives me lemons … Continue reading Get bossin’ if you want to stay sane
Oh how rude of me. I don’t think I’ve told you our news. I do love pies but this bump is, in fact, a baby. After four miscarriages and as many chemical pregnancies, we have a bun that appears to be cooking. But after all that trying, this baby took a while to get used to. Maya starts school in September and all I could … Continue reading Bun in the oven
Sometimes I love doing mum stuff. Playing with kinetic sand, facilitating the baking of misshapen biscuits, preparing healthy meals for Maya to ignore and watching my girl develop remarkable new skills and personality. It all feels nourishing, joyful and right. From this place of beauty I produce masterpieces at the drop of a hat: Creative stuff goes down: Fun times roll: But sometimes the opposite is true. The tedium drags … Continue reading Me time makes me nicer
When I was 15, my drama teacher told us all to do an impression of someone else in the class so everyone could guess who it was. I know. What was she thinking? Anyway, I laughed along at the impersonations of some of the less cool and more ripe-for-the-ridiculing members of the group and then my friend Phil did this rubbish one where he crossed … Continue reading Is that what I sound like?
That’s it! Your foot’s nearly in. Well done. Now if you just push down a bit and I grab the top of your welly. No, I know you don’t need any help. You’re a big girl now, aren’t you? But your heel’s a bit stuck. If I just pull it from th…No! What are you doing? Don’t take it off! Okay, let’s go again. Fifth … Continue reading Waiting while a toddler re-does stuff is like watching someone type with one finger
I just asked Thesaurus for a word to describe the sound my daughter makes when she’s tantruming hard. Turns out they haven’t invented one. Screech is too mechanical, wail is too doleful and shriek is far too short-lived. This is the most blood-curdling scream I’ve ever heard. Shrill, grating and completely unrelenting. You would think she was having her toenails pulled out one by one rather than being told her party dress is too … Continue reading She makes me look like a murderer
Shit shit shit! Maya has just sworn at me for the first time. She’s only just turned two. She wasn’t angry and she didn’t know she was being coarse. She just volleyed a bit of my own foul language back at me. I feel a bit sick. I know it happens but shit shit SHIT! Shocking. Why me? Why me? Could it be the universe’s … Continue reading Potty-mouth panic
How weird is cow’s milk? Probably not that odd in situ, as it’s sucked from a warm udder by a hungry calf. But what the hell is my human baby doing drinking it? I’ve always found the concept of humans greedily glugging down a glass of udder juice pretty bizarre (I even went through a long phase of eating cereal dry or with water). But … Continue reading How weird is milk?