What more blissful experience does life offer than snuggling in bed with your warm and slumberous children? Heaven. Unless you intend to sleep, that is. They are programmed never to let that happen. They will spin. They will kick. And they will fail to give a shit where the head-end is. Our baby’s teething the hard way this week. She’s all dribble and tears and … Continue reading Our kids are trying to break us with sleep torture
Babies are so Me Me Me. Our tiny human is only three weeks old and she’s already lording it like an East African dictator over the once-democratic Republic of Home. I accidentally told the health visitor on Thursday that I’d forgotten how much a newborn can ruin your life. I was hoping to say ‘rule your life’ obviously but my mouth had other ideas. I … Continue reading The twelve essential things you didn’t know but I did about life with a newborn
I’m lucky. I feel lucky. I’ve got the most beautiful daughter in the whole world (apart from yours, of course, if you’ve got one). She brings me joy every day. I would love her to have a sibling, though. A hundred per cent of my childhood memories involve my brother. We argued, we wrestled (literally – Granny Breakwell rang the bell to mark the start … Continue reading Mummy’s not sharing – the secret bitterness of secondary infertility
Hi. I’m a trolley and I’m here to destroy you. Check your pockets and find me a pound. Yes, yes. I know no-one carries cash anymore. Tell it to someone who cares. Haven’t you got one of those little keyring coins that proper grown-ups have? No? Ha ha ha ha ha! You TOTAL loser. A-A-Aaaaa. Naughty naughty. It’s no use trying to yank me backwards. … Continue reading Hello. I’m a coin-tethered trolley and I will ruin your day.
That’s it! Your foot’s nearly in. Well done. Now if you just push down a bit and I grab the top of your welly. No, I know you don’t need any help. You’re a big girl now, aren’t you? But your heel’s a bit stuck. If I just pull it from th…No! What are you doing? Don’t take it off! Okay, let’s go again. Fifth … Continue reading Waiting while a toddler re-does stuff is like watching someone type with one finger
I just asked Thesaurus for a word to describe the sound my daughter makes when she’s tantruming hard. Turns out they haven’t invented one. Screech is too mechanical, wail is too doleful and shriek is far too short-lived. This is the most blood-curdling scream I’ve ever heard. Shrill, grating and completely unrelenting. You would think she was having her toenails pulled out one by one rather than being told her party dress is too … Continue reading She makes me look like a murderer
Shit shit shit! Maya has just sworn at me for the first time. She’s only just turned two. She wasn’t angry and she didn’t know she was being coarse. She just volleyed a bit of my own foul language back at me. I feel a bit sick. I know it happens but shit shit SHIT! Shocking. Why me? Why me? Could it be the universe’s … Continue reading Potty-mouth panic
Burned-out parents like nothing more than to spend 40 minutes cleaning up after an ill-advised food choice. Here are five foods guaranteed to do the job: 1. Weetabix (…and Bixies and other own-brand products) These crunchy, bone-dry lozenges are so thirsty they soak up a litre of milk per square cm. No danger of them dripping off the spoon, then. But don’t get too cocky… … Continue reading Five messy foods to send you over the edge
How weird is cow’s milk? Probably not that odd in situ, as it’s sucked from a warm udder by a hungry calf. But what the hell is my human baby doing drinking it? I’ve always found the concept of humans greedily glugging down a glass of udder juice pretty bizarre (I even went through a long phase of eating cereal dry or with water). But … Continue reading How weird is milk?
What is it with the world these days? It does not know when to zip it. Ever since my daughter came along, it’s been blasting out the most grating, jarring, ear-splitting noises in its long and noisy history. It’s determined to sabotage her nap times so I’m exposing it for the selfish lowlife it is. I don’t care. It’s had it coming for ages… Five … Continue reading Five annoying noises guaranteed to wake your baby