I wear what my four year old tells me to

I never needed fashion advice until Maya came along and messed up my body. I knew what I liked and I wore it. Nothing made me lose respect for a man faster than seeing him wait patiently outside the changing rooms while his needy girlfriend tried on another ensemble for his nervous appraisal. Did he have nothing better to do? What…… Continue reading I wear what my four year old tells me to

Look what I did when my daughter was out

Oh my God, I didn’t know this could happen indoors. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. We toasted marshmallows over our fire pit when we were camping in Dorset last week and it was a-may-zing. We’ve had half a pack of big juicy ones in our cupboard ever since. Maya spotted them the other night…… Continue reading Look what I did when my daughter was out

Oh my, what a pretty drawing!

We’ve just come back from Montenegro. It was incredible and looked a lot like this: Maya’s favourite favourite thing of all to do on holiday was not to swim in the sea, though. Or eat special holiday pizza. Or steer the little red submarine boat (in a zig-zag). Instead, the thing she liked best of all was writing…… Continue reading Oh my, what a pretty drawing!

Hello. I’m a coin-tethered trolley and I will ruin your day.

Hi. I’m a trolley and I’m here to destroy you. Check your pockets and find me a pound. Yes, yes. I know no-one carries cash anymore. Tell it to someone who cares. Haven’t you got one of those little keyring coins that proper grown-ups have? No? Ha ha ha ha ha! You TOTAL loser. A-A-Aaaaa.…… Continue reading Hello. I’m a coin-tethered trolley and I will ruin your day.

Waiting while a toddler re-does stuff is like watching someone type with one finger

Shoes with buckles: do not intervene

That’s it! Your foot’s nearly in. Well done. Now if you just push down a bit and I grab the top of your welly. No, I know you don’t need any help. You’re a big girl now, aren’t you? But your heel’s a bit stuck. If I just pull it from th…No! What are you…… Continue reading Waiting while a toddler re-does stuff is like watching someone type with one finger

She makes me look like a murderer

I just asked Thesaurus for a word to describe the sound my daughter makes when she’s tantruming hard. Turns out they haven’t invented one. Screech is too mechanical, wail is too doleful and shriek is far too short-lived. This is the most blood-curdling scream I’ve ever heard. Shrill, grating and completely unrelenting. You would think she was having her toenails pulled out one…… Continue reading She makes me look like a murderer

Five messy foods to send you over the edge

Burned-out parents like nothing more than to spend 40 minutes cleaning up after an ill-advised food choice. Here are five foods guaranteed to do the job: 1. Weetabix (…and Bixies and other own-brand products) These crunchy, bone-dry lozenges are so thirsty they soak up a litre of milk per square cm. No danger of them…… Continue reading Five messy foods to send you over the edge

Five annoying noises guaranteed to wake your baby

What is it with the world these days? It does not know when to zip it. Ever since my daughter came along, it’s been blasting out the most grating, jarring, ear-splitting noises in its long and noisy history. It’s determined to sabotage her nap times so I’m exposing it for the selfish lowlife it is.…… Continue reading Five annoying noises guaranteed to wake your baby