Ageing gets a bad rap and that’s unfair because it has a handful of negligible upsides that it’s just about worth clinging onto…

1. Creative vision

A few seconds after you turn 40, you are no longer able to see your face properly in the mirror without glasses. This has the beneficial effect of blurring the complexion, granting your skin the kind of flawless finish only a high-end foundation would otherwise deliver.

Doing your eyeliner is a game of chance, but one that can yield striking results and give you the air of a bold and edgy pusher of boundaries. To other people who haven’t got their glasses on, anyway.

2. You may remain seated

You are officially allowed not to like going out. Do you miss those heady nights of standing in loud, overcrowded places with insufficient access to comfortable seating while someone you’ve never liked spits a boring story into your ear? Nope? Then throw on your slippers and strap in for a crazy night of repeatedly nodding off in front of whatever you nodded off in front of last night.

3. Unleashing the true nerdy you

Once you’ve got past the disorienting hump of pretending to care about golf or obsolete handicrafts, it’s time to abandon yourself to the shit that actually floats your boat. Bellringing? Cosplay? Ultralight single-sex camping with thinly-veiled competitive undertones? It really doesn’t matter, so knock yourself out. No-one cares if you’re cool or not anymore, least of all you.

4. Hangover roulette

Having more than three drinks on a Friday night now constitutes a heroic act of derring-do. Or, more accurately, a futile railing against the hands of time. Either way, it’s a thrilling gamble. You have a two per cent chance of not feeling toxic till Tuesday.

5. No need to waste time on pointless things like eating

You can now happily skip meals with absolutely no consequences, even if you want them. Your metabolism’s closed for business.

6. Friends in pockets

By now, most of your mates have clocked that you’re a bit of a dick. Anyone you’ve managed to hang onto friend-wise has seen your shadow side and it’s not pretty. It’s all good though. You’ve seen them using their chips and curry sauce as a pillow and shouting obscenities at the world from inside a wheelie bin in response to being dumped, so you’re forever bound by a contract of silence.

7. No more pricey creams and potions

Remember when you used to spend 60% of your income on miracle creams to combat non-existent wrinkles? Well there’s simply no need anymore. Turns out they don’t work on actual crow’s feet.

8. A kick up the flat backside

Hearing your knees creak every time you bend down is like a shot of adrenaline for your focus and drive. Witnessing your body’s first signs of demise is a galvanising reminder of the merciless passage of time and you will leave your mark on this world if it’s the last thing you do… once you’ve returned slowly and safely to standing…

9. Kudos by proxy

Alternatively, if you’ve got kids, now’s the perfect moment to give up on your own dreams and hand the baton of external validation-seeking over to them. Sit back and enjoy a well-earned bask in the glory of your children’s extraordinary achievements.

Don’t get too comfy though. The weekly text from Isobel’s mum will be through any minute confirming that Ella’s been sick on her Air Force 1s again and needs peeling up off their bathroom floor. Oh and Sam’s in court in the morning for selling Adderrall.

10. Always had it, still got it

You can check out Gen Z’s street style and pat yourself on the back for remaining at the vanguard of fashion. Yeah mate. I was wearing cargo pants thirty years ago. Never taken them off.

11. The right to free speech

Thank God. You can finally tell your friend that her partner of twenty years is a showboaty mega-bore because her midlife ‘reboot’ has caused her to dress like a teenager and leave the moron, albeit for another moron half his age.

Wait, nope. Moron Number One’s back again and word is you’re having a nice intimate dinner with him on Saturday. Let’s hope she never told him about the ferocious slagging-off you gave him last weekend because he’s cooking and therefore in charge of keeping spit out of dinners.

12. Oh no, sorry. There is no 12.