Five annoying noises guaranteed to wake your baby

What is it with the world these days? It does not know when to zip it. Ever since my daughter came along, it’s been blasting out the most grating, jarring, ear-splitting noises in its long and noisy history. It’s determined to sabotage her nap times so I’m exposing it for the selfish lowlife it is. I don’t care. It’s had it coming for ages…

Five of its most prolific offenders are…

1. Sirens

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Sirens are loud bastards and make no apologies for it. They actually go out of their way to make as much racket as possible. Babies do not like this one bit. I’ve got no beef with the sick and injured but come on. Not in my back yard. I have taken to cupping my hands over Maya’s ears as soon as I hear the emergency services approaching and this does stave off a meltdown from time to time. But I frown really hard too so that the driver can see how disgruntled I am and this has no effect whatsoever. It’s almost like they don’t care.

2. Self-service checkout voice

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UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA! All right. Keep your voice down. You’ll find an unexpected item in your bagging area if you shout at me and my baby again.

3. Euphoric gym music

Thank God for the drive to the gym. She’s been so fractious and overtired all morning but it’s properly sent her off. I’ll just wheel her through these doors into the reception and then on into the creche, where she will sleep peacefully for an hour and wake up smiling. Could you just hold the door for me please? Thanks. I’ll just squeeze through here with my big wheels. Oh, look at her. She’s so peace- Da da daaa! Da da daaa! Da da daaa! Da da Daaa! Da da daaa! Da da daaa! Da da daaa da da daaa! DA DA DAAA! DA DA DAAA! DA DA DAAA! DA DA DAAA! DA DA DAAA! DA DA DAAA! DA DA DAAA! DA DA DAAA! Waaaa Waaaa Waaaa Waaaa Waaaa. Let’s go home…

4. Kids on mopeds

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The other day went like this: The pushchair has finally lulled Maya into a deep, restorative sleep. The sun peeps out from behind a cloud and I start smiling the inane, cultish mum-smile that I get when it feels that all is right with the world. I can’t help it. The sun’s warmth feels amazing on my shoulders. I’m in a gentle kind of heaven and Maya is fast asleep. Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a nasal, waspy whine…. Oh God, it’s a runty juvenile on a Babyliss scooter. Where do they keep coming from? These kids are everywhere and they’re killing me. Skinny boy revs hard in a display of road dominance as he clears the brow of the hill, his engine droning and backfiring proudly as he shoots past within a foot of Maya’s right ear. She startles, eyes wide with terror, then bursts into a monsoon of tears. My pushchair’s turn-on-a-sixpence feature comes into its own as I pull a tight one-eighty and head for home, cursing under my breath like a mentalist.

5. Supermarket Tannoys

The tiny but mighty one has fallen asleep on the way to the megastore. I click the car seat into its wheels and glide my overpriced travel system smoothly over the threshold, casting a loving glance at my dreaming child. She’ll be out for a while now so I can break the back of the shopping before she stirs. But no sooner have I reached the baby aisle than… Crackle Screech BOOM! Up pipes the ubiquitous jolly bargain jockey. She’s eating the mic and has accidentally nudged the volume up to 10. She shouts at me, asking why I don’t head to the pharmacy aisle for a three-for-two on Anusol ointment or something equally alluring. The baby twitches, lifts her heavy lids, gives a brief chin tremble while she thinks and then cries and turns beetroot with outrage. Who is this joker on the mic? Well said, Baby. Well said…

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