Look what I did when my daughter was out

Oh my God, I didn’t know this could happen indoors. I feel like I’ve wasted my life. We toasted marshmallows over our fire pit when we were camping in Dorset last week and it was a-may-zing. We’ve had half a pack of big juicy ones in our cupboard ever since. Maya spotted them the other night when I reached in for some boring oatcakes. She pleaded with me but I didn’t buckle. In fact, I was pretty pleased with myself that I stood firm and she listened. Sugary snacks at 7pm equal, at the very least, four stories and me staying in the room while she rotates through 360 degrees on her bed, doing the caterpillar on her back and demanding to be allowed back downstairs. I was glad I’d won the face-off.

Then she went to nursery and I was left in the house on my own. Can I just stress, this NEVER happens. I’m almost never at home without her. I don’t even get evenings cos she’s like a pre-school Margaret Thatcher and only needs about ten minutes’ sleep a night. I usually drop off when she does.

So this was some special me time. In a bid to rediscover lost talents, I got my new watercolours out and tried to paint a beach scene. I learned very quickly that I can’t paint beach scenes and especially not with watercolours. This left me demoralised and in need of a loving cuddle in the form of a sweet sweet treat. I opened the cupboard and there they were, those delicious pink and white domes. I ripped off the bag clip, turned on the hob and set to work burning them. They tasted exactly like they do when proper people cook them in the traditional fashion and didn’t seem at all pissed off that they had been deprived of a campfire. A couple burst into flames but who cares? I love those crispy burnt bits on the outside juxtaposed with the mouth-scalding goo within. That’s what it’s all about.


You may nave noticed I’m using a highly flammable wooden kebab stick as my toasting tool and hovering it right over the naked flame. Okay, that’s not clever. It did catch fire a few times. Maybe don’t do that and I won’t either. The rest of it, though, is definitely happening again.

Are you ever home without kids? What do you do that they must never know?


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