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Oh my, what a pretty drawing!
We’ve just come back from Montenegro. It was incredible and looked a lot like this: Maya’s favourite favourite thing of all to do on holiday was not to swim in the sea, though. Or eat special holiday pizza. Or steer the little red submarine boat (in a zig-zag). Instead, the thing she liked best of all was writing
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Mummy’s not sharing – the secret bitterness of secondary infertility
I’m lucky. I feel lucky. I’ve got the most beautiful daughter in the whole world (apart from yours, of course, if you’ve got one). She brings me joy every day. I would love her to have a sibling, though. A hundred per cent of my childhood memories involve my brother. We argued, we wrestled (literally
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Hello. I’m a coin-tethered trolley and I will ruin your day.
Hi. I’m a trolley and I’m here to destroy you. Check your pockets and find me a pound. Yes, yes. I know no-one carries cash anymore. Tell it to someone who cares. Haven’t you got one of those little keyring coins that proper grown-ups have? No? Ha ha ha ha ha! You TOTAL loser. A-A-Aaaaa.
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Is that what I sound like?
When I was 15, my drama teacher told us all to do an impression of someone else in the class so everyone could guess who it was. I know. What was she thinking? Anyway, I laughed along at the impersonations of some of the less cool and more ripe-for-the-ridiculing members of the group and then
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Waiting while a toddler re-does stuff is like watching someone type with one finger
That’s it! Your foot’s nearly in. Well done. Now if you just push down a bit and I grab the top of your welly. No, I know you don’t need any help. You’re a big girl now, aren’t you? But your heel’s a bit stuck. If I just pull it from th…No! What are you
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She makes me look like a murderer
I just asked Thesaurus for a word to describe the sound my daughter makes when she’s tantruming hard. Turns out they haven’t invented one. Screech is too mechanical, wail is too doleful and shriek is far too short-lived. This is the most blood-curdling scream I’ve ever heard. Shrill, grating and completely unrelenting. You would think she was having her toenails pulled out one
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Potty-mouth panic
Shit shit shit! Maya has just sworn at me for the first time. She’s only just turned two. She wasn’t angry and she didn’t know she was being coarse. She just volleyed a bit of my own foul language back at me. I feel a bit sick. I know it happens but shit shit SHIT!
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Five messy foods to send you over the edge
Burned-out parents like nothing more than to spend 40 minutes cleaning up after an ill-advised food choice. Here are five foods guaranteed to do the job: 1. Weetabix (…and Bixies and other own-brand products) These crunchy, bone-dry lozenges are so thirsty they soak up a litre of milk per square cm. No danger of them
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How weird is milk?
How weird is cow’s milk? Probably not that odd in situ, as it’s sucked from a warm udder by a hungry calf. But what the hell is my human baby doing drinking it? I’ve always found the concept of humans greedily glugging down a glass of udder juice pretty bizarre (I even went through a
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Five annoying noises guaranteed to wake your baby
What is it with the world these days? It does not know when to zip it. Ever since my daughter came along, it’s been blasting out the most grating, jarring, ear-splitting noises in its long and noisy history. It’s determined to sabotage her nap times so I’m exposing it for the selfish lowlife it is.
Mumbizzle 